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jeebs

I would not exactly say things are going great just at the moment.

Last night, I realized that my capacity for stress-binging is alive and well.  One can of clam chowder, one piece of tart, a shitload of cookies, a pint of ice cream and a bag of Dorritos.

Let’s just say I am feeling pretty stressed about my employment status.  I was almost fired before my vacation, begged to keep my job, everything seemed okay before my departure but so far, no good.  It’s hard to think about anything but the enormous dread that looms before me whenever I imagine going back to my old life.  Keeping one job that barely pays while desperately looking for a second that will be compatible with the first or could replace it.  Field a handful of callbacks that yield nothing.  Drive across town to have a few meangingless interviews.  Maybe get hired for something that clearly won’t work for me.  Subsist on nothing but scraps, beggardly crumbs, charity and things based on ramen.  It sort of makes me tear up to think about it.

I want to feel secure for one fucking second in one fucking thing I’m doing.  How much more can I lose this year?  Actually, universe, don’t even answer that.  Jobs, friends, money and dignity have already been plenty.  I want to confidently move forward and believe that I am worthy but it’s so hard to not feel utterly defeated before I have yet begun.