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exuding
I kinda feel like stuff is pouring out of me right now. Good, bad, weird…I wish I could explain how it makes me feel. It feels good to be connected to so much energy and to see it go in and come out…it’s definitely making me feel alive. But maybe almost too much? Not too alive, but too extreme.
I was starting to think today that maybe I have drifted toward certain habits as a preventative for manic behavior. If I feel low, I feel better. If I feel too on the high end, it keeps me calm and prevents me from flying all over hell like a Katrina kite.
When I was coming home tonight, I heard two great and period-definitive songs in a row. The first was ‘I Found That Essence Rare’ by Gang Of Four (from ‘Entertainment’). Totally a song about the beginning of really feeling right in Austin. I remember listening to this record sooo many times in JD’s kitchen, drinking wine and smoking and talking until 4 am. And really, typing this and glancing back at the title, so perfectly named in that respect. The second, and what could be more different, was Iron and Wine’s cover of ‘Such Great Heights.’ I remember listening to this song when packing up my life in Seattle, waiting for my brother and his then girlf to come by (they were camping on the Oregon coast). Yet, I don’t think we were caravaning back to Montana, just hanging. The song came on and it was quite loud because I was working on boxing shit in the front room, so I could hear them come in and knock. I was going back to Montana for a few weeks before leaving to teach in France for a year (you can read ALL about that mess HERE). But the recording is meant to sound like it’s coming off a gramophone or through terribly old speakers…there is a sort of soft, effecty hiss to it that was all too audible at that high volume. And my hopes were of quite great heights - I had been miserable in Seattle and knew that anything would be better. And while that proved true, I didn’t yet know that my early mid-twenties were going to be ALL about the misere.
Anyway. Thoughts, fears. I have them. Change is or may be afoot? I damn well hope so. But even at the lows and highs, I am still learning in the last minutes of this summer how to make it mine again. Here’s hoping it actually effin’ works.
