unthematic french casino
crash. burn. quit.
So today is the first day of the third and final foray into smoke cessation.
Per my moderately successful previous attempt, I am keeping a pack with 3-4 cigarettes in my possession. Because the me of the past will always taunt the me of the present, with the me of the future cackle maniacally.
Okay, it’s four. I checked again. I am alternately holding and not holding an unlit one right now.
Last night, when I watched Altman’s Nashville, I thought that people in this movie smoking looked stupid. Even as a smoker, the me of yesterday was preparing an early negative association. I gave one of the last cigs to a veteran in a wheelchair that often vultures around the revival house theater where I pretty much exclusively catch movies (ever of the non-new variety…I can’t even say how much I wanna be seeing the new Harry Potter RIGHT NOW though). In the past, he has accosted myself and company on both the pre-and-post-movie-obligatory-loaf-under-marquee-lights ritual, with a impossibly low ‘I didn’t get in this wheelchair just for me. I did it for all of us.’
About a week ago, I allowed one of my best friends, who for all intents and purpose is an alcoholic, to rationalize herself having a drink (and a quarter of a second) with me. I felt fine about it at the time because…while I want the best for her, I also don’t always know what the best thing is for another person. Obviously on the outside, this is a terrible idea. She is going to be out of the country for almost a month…I hope she will be okay.
Between her absence, the end of a major friendship, and feeling both disconnected from most people in adddition to feeling poor/vehiclessly stranded…this does not bode well for being my new favorite chapter of my life. Not so much.
But every bad is bookended by a good, in my periodic estimation. Last night my brother called me and said he was engaged to his laaaady. I am really stoked on this because I like her a great deal, and my brother is moving southward in support of her academic pursuits AND it gets him closer and out of Montana (which I am highly supportive of, obvs). It’s hard to dwell on any of the inevtiable issues of mine like age and issues with love/relationships - yeah, they come up, but they come up all the time so BFD. Basically these young’uns are awesomely matched and seem to really bring a lot of joy to each other and don’t restrict each other’s personalities. Also, I was really, really, REALLY moved and excited and honored to be asked to be his best man.
Until he starting talking about how it might be western themed?
The alternately held cigarette..she smirks.
